This Deserves No Title
It’s a new year…. and I just celebrated my 22nd year on this earth this past week… and here I find myself in the most awkward, shocking, situation I have ever experienced throughout my short life so far. A Woman’s instinct is the most strongest inner source of power & I have been completely stubborn towards all it’s yelling at me out of sake for “Happiness” & “Love”…. Long story short, let’s put it this way. I’ve just discovered TODAY, that while I was in New York City, yesterday, bringing a close to my Bday celebrations … my “MAN” had a child being born that I knew NOTHING about. NOTHING. So, that means this entire 9 months that I have known this man, another Woman was carrying his child. And this is a child that was conceived before he & I knew each other. And, here’s the kicker… I didn’t find this information out from the Horses’ mouth… I had to get the biggest shock of my LIFE from his Sister’s Facebook page… and I’m not even personally friends w/ his sister on Facebook. To see pictures of such an innocent life that has the same mouth and nose as the Man I fell in love with. It sickens me to the point where I can’t even place an emotion on all of this. I feel nothing. I don’t even feel empty. I just… AM… I guess. What gets me is that he never had enough respect for me to even tell me what was going on. He allowed me to fall in love with him. He allowed me to blame myself when he grew distant. He allowed me to hold on to a false sense of hope with his promises & his words. He robbed me of my free will to decide how I felt about this situation and he robbed me of the decision to whether I wanted to get too involved w/ him or not because of this. He has disrespected me as a competent Adult and he has disrespected my heart. If he could hide this from me & lie to me about what was REALLY going on with him, then he could lie to me about anything. At this point, I have to leave this man alone. I’m young, beautiful, intelligent blessed with an AMAZING soul. I deserve the world. I deserve to walk away with my dignity intact. And that’s what I’m gonna have to do.
Goodnite
Add a comment January 11, 2010
Tags: Being Lied To, Betrayal, Breaking Up, Dishonesty, Keeping Secrets, Relationships
What I’m Feeling
I know that when you look at me
There’s so much that you just don’t see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you’d find
A girl who’s scared sometimes
Who isn’t always strong
Can’t you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you (oooh)
I wanna run to you (oooh)
Won’t you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away
Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There’s nobody there, no one cares for me
What’s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much…
Add a comment December 26, 2009
Tags: Breaking Up, Loneliness, Missing Someone, Relationships
Weak Moment
Bad news….. I was doing so well for the past couple days… soooo well! Then found myself in tears out of the blue while scrambling eggs for Dinner yesterday evening. Even got out of the house w/ the girls to blow off some steam & found myself still in shambles. Been 3 days and not one hello. I feel so lonely and I miss him so much. I hate this empty feeling. I want to talk to him so badly, but I have to stand strong on my plan. I promised myself I won’t allow myself to go there until the time is right. At least I have a date with a nice guy this evening… hopefully it won’t make me miss him more. It’s hard to be available with another person when your heart is somewhere else. I’m going to go out and enjoy myself nonetheless. I owe it to me. Gonna try to get through this day as best as I can.
Add a comment December 24, 2009
Tags: Breaking Up, Missing Someone, Relationships
Second Chances or Closure?
It’s a pretty good day today 
The sun’s out and I’m feeling slightly complacent. No contact from him yesterday, and it’s noon of Day 2, still nothing as of yet. Not gonna get my hopes up for anything.. just gonna let it ride until I decide it’s been long enough and it’s time for me to get the closure I need for me. I was actually pretty proud of myself, I didn’t cry one tear yesterday. Pretty decent enough I’d say. I still have him on my mind and I know I don’t want to let him go, but I also know I deserve better. One more chance…. one more chance is all I have left in me to give him. Had a dose of Male advice last night that really helped. Told me that he isn’t necessarily saying I should call it quits yet, but from what he’s seeing, there’s something definitely going on. And he thinks maybe it can be that he’s still in love with someone else that he isn’t with but may be still in contact with. And that he has feelings for me but they come & go with his feelings for whomever that person may be. Or he could be juggling me & another person at the same time. And this is something he think may be going on. I never thought of this exactly in that detail but it isn’t a far fetched idea. So in my “closure email” I will confront that without being confrontational and lay out everything. I’ll be blunt, direct & honest. Then in the end, offer him the opportunity to meet up & discuss where we go from here, but only on his reaching out to me. And if he chooses not to respond I said I will respect his wishes and be done with him. Still deciding on how far to extend my timeline. I would say 1 week is long enough. So I’ll wait until after Christmas. That’ll give it enough time. Longer than a week is ridiculous to me. So, that’s my plan and hopefully maybe something good will come out of it. Can’t go into the New Year with baggage.
Add a comment December 23, 2009
Tags: Breaking Up, Relationships, Second Chances
So It Ends…
I have to laugh… I just have to. It’ll help hold back petty tears. All that plagues me right now is thoughts. I can still hear your voice telling me how much you care, how badly you wanted me, all the promises & I’m sorry’s. I can still see your face how you used to look at me, and how you used to kiss me. Was this all a lie? I can’t honestly believe any of this by the way you represented yourself yesterday. Still boggles me that you weren’t able to give me a simple straight answer to ANY of my direct questions that were important to me. I don’t know how long it will take for me to forgive you, and I don’t know how long it will take to stop missing you, but as God is my witness I will try my BEST to forget you. Then…what if you prove to me how much of a “Man” you claim to be? What if you clean up your act? Then what? How am I going to react? So far, the Man I’ve come to see is petty, self-serving, and hasn’t learned how to soften or open his heart. And at this exact moment, I’m still trying to convince myself there’s still a glimmer of hope. Why am I so damn optimistic! This is how I get hurt. I allow people to let me down. I know all of this went down only yesterday, and it’s only the beginning of today…but I’m not sure exactly what the rest of the week or next week holds. All I can do is prepare for the worst & hope for the best. I just hope today goes smoothly & I don’t dwell on this too much. Not expecting any contact from him today, so we’ll see. Only time will tell… And I know I said I wouldn’t give up & I would fight for him, but I’d be damned to fight for someone who can’t tell me what I mean to them. Slap dead in my face. Why should I fight for that? Exactly, I won’t!
2 comments December 22, 2009
Tags: Breaking Up, Relationships
What To Do
I can’t talk to him. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of questioning. I’m tired of trying to reach out and being met w/ defense. I’m not wrong in feeling like something just isn’t right. Why is it that it has been 7 1/2 months that we’ve known ea other & I’ve yet 2 even be invited over your place to hang out w/ you? To watch movies or something? Why is it that you won’t give me a straight answer when I ask you to tell me what I mean to you? Why is it that we haven’t spent an entire day together yet? And why is it that when I try & bring this to your attention I’m met with attitude? I don’t deserve this shit and I won’t continue to take it! I’m too good of a Woman to settle for your mediocrity. There are plenty of guys who would LOVE to have my time and here I am wasting my energy on YOU! To get what in return? WHAT? And to think you’re the one I want to make love to for the 1st time! The one I “love”! The one who I’ve given so much of myself to! I’m embarrassed to even call you my “Man”. I hate myself for allowing you to get this close to me. And you can’t simply just tell me what I mean to you? Obviously I mean nothing, and that’s exactly how I’m gonna take it! I’m done! If you can’t respect my heart then I can’t respect you!
Add a comment December 21, 2009
Tags: Breaking Up, Love Lost, Relationships, Second Guessing
Day 2
Hello world! I must say that it has been a pretty good day. Simply because I got an apology. FINALLY. And, on top of that, I am in the mood to go out tonight. Now, things aren’t magically copasetic again, I still have much I need to say to him, BUT I want to wait until he & I are face to face to elaborate more on the changes and compromise that are gonna have to be made to have a happy union. I’ve also decided to take another guy up on his offer for a movie date. No harm in that and it’ll help me potentially “keep my options open” just in case. I was so elated to see a text from him this morning and then to get a phone call later on. I don’t think he understands how much just little gestures like that mean to me. I can’t talk much because I have to start getting ready for my evening plans, but I’m happy to say that I still have HOPE for him and I won’t completely give up just yet. So, let’s tally up today’s results:
Did he call: Yes
Cried: 0 times
Spoke of him: maybe twice
Thought of him: all damn day
Overall feeling: happier within myself, calm, relaxed and Hopeful!
Grade: B+
So until tomorrow dolls, Muah!
Add a comment December 18, 2009
Tags: Love, Re-Evaluation
Day 1
So to calm my nerves and nurse this state of sadness that has consumed me, I am going to write daily to pick myself back up and overcome this like I did 2 years back w/ a summer fling. It really helped me back then and I know it should help me now. And the only person I can talk endlessly about this with is me, lol. So here it goes….. Day Uno:
Although the day isn’t technically over yet, I’ll still consider it unsuccessful. I didn’t hear from him today, and that’s fine. I’ll live. I have been crying on & off like a fool periodically throughout the day. Nothing too dramatic, just a moment of getting choked up, and then shaking it off. I’ve been talking with my close friends and of course the advice is all over the board. One says it’ll get better, be patient. One says I should cut my losses and move on. And 2 others say he needs to get his shit together. I agree with all 4 because they always have my best interest at heart..but I want to decide for myself in the end and I will give this time and continue to try and work things out with him. I’m feeling better right now at the moment. No tears, mind is free. Feeling a bit relaxed. I hope tomorrow can run a bit smoother than today did. So let’s tally up today’s results:
Did he call: No
Cried: 5 times
Spoke of him: 3 1/2 times
Thought of him: All damn day
Overall feeling: Up & Down mood… mostly sad
Grade: D+
Let’s just hope Day 2 is better
Add a comment December 17, 2009
Tags: Re-Evaluation
And It Kills Me……..
Ok, on this entry I simply just feel like talking. I think I’ve fallen prematurely in love. There, I said it. I’ve been constantly denying this because I simply wasn’t sure exactly what it was I was feeling. I mean, how can I be so sure of this in the first place. Then on the other hand, I wonder….no I HOPE he loves me too…but I can’t just ask him that. I won’t ask him. I don’t have the cojones. Just how the hell am I sooooo positive that he has claimed my heart. Why does he even DESERVE my heart. And I purposely leave out the question marks, I don’t mind pissing off my grammatically correct prowess to rhetorically talk to myself. I’m fucking lonely…I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hoping he’ll get some time for me. BUT isn’t the saying that if a Man truly is into you then he’d do just about anything to see his girl. Anything just to be with her. Why am I not living this fantasy. Why can’t I have THAT honor. And WHY am I still trying to be here if I’m not happy!! Why does he plague my mind and everything around me. Why am I always trying to find ways to spend time with him…why am I always disappointed. And he tells me, he likes me more than I could know. More than he’s been able to show me. And he’s just as disappointed as I am about the lack of time we spend together. He hates cancelling on me, THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT! He hates disappointing me, THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT! He loves the feeling he has when we’re together, THEN WHY I AM LONELY! I mean, how could he say to me that he would understand if I didn’t want to deal with him right now….hopefully I’m available when the business is settled…and if I’m not he’d totally understand. How could he say this? How could he ever even suggest I just give up on him. I can’t possibly take losing him. He obviously knows he really has hurt me this time…and maybe it’s causing him to give me an escape route. But I don’t want to run away, instead I want to run towards him. I am not taking any of this well at all….. I wanted him to call me tonight…. I told him to call me tonight so that we could finish talking about this…. I stared at my phone for the equivalent of 5 hrs…. and nothing. I told him at this point I honestly couldn’t leave him alone. I just can’t……. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know anymore. Helplessly in love and helplessly alone.
4 comments December 17, 2009
Tags: Loneliness, Love
It’s GAY Marriage…so WHAT?
In honor of DC’s historic vote to approve Gay Marriage here today, I’d like to take a quick moment on the pulpit… I used to be really up in arms about Gay Marriage… but I have actually opened my mind to look at it from a different angle. And what I’ve realized is, this isn’t about Religion, God & Politics. As much as Heterosexuals abuse the sanctity of this union, who the hell are we to deny Human Beings the right to love and consummate that love just the same as any of us can? I don’t know about you, but I’d be pissed if the Government told me I wasn’t allowed to marry because of the color of my skin. We’re past those days, so what’s the big deal? I’m not an avid supporter of the measure but to me this is about Human’s Rights and that’s why I’m choosing to speak on it. I support the Gay Community and definitely believe they deserve EVERY right that we as Heterosexuals are afforded. Point blank, Period. ‘Tis All
Add a comment December 15, 2009
Tags: Gay Community, Gay Rights, Human Rights, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Politics, Social Awareness
Moment of Expression…..
(c)
I fuss because I miss you
I fuss because I care
I fuss because, maybe I love you
I fuss because, maybe you’re not there
I fuss because I can’t go a day w/o you on my mind
I fuss because loneliness doesn’t treat me kind
I fuss because I’m no longer free
I fuss because you don’t fight to be here with me
I fuss because ever since I became your girl
It’s always a fuss to find where I fit in your world
Can’t help but to fight
For what my heart feels aint right
So I fuss because I need you near
And I’ll continue to fuss until I’m sure you’re really here
Add a comment December 15, 2009
Tags: Frustration, Love, Relationships, Sadness
Thinking…..
Sometimes when I sit and have alone time my mind tends to run on full speed…. and when my emotions start to get mixed into my thinking, it becomes dangerous…. I’ve been disappointed so much by those closest to me in my life and it’s really easy to expect the worst out of things. And now that the Holiday season is here and I have a new-found “relationship”… this kind of thinking isn’t helping AT ALL…. and what’s been on my mind heavy lately is this… the only Man that has ever really thought of me on Christmas, Valentines Day and my birthday consistently is my Father. And for some reason I have a strong feeling that this cycle will repeat itself these coming holidays as well… and if that does turn out to be true, I don’t know A) how I’ll be able to handle this disappointment and B) how I’ll re-evaluate the situation I’m in with HIM. I’ve decided to go ahead and buy him a couple of things for Christmas whether he thinks of me or not… but if I’m the only one who put thought into Christmas for him and I don’t get the same in return, then I may have to look elsewhere. I don’t know how erratic that may sound, but in my defense and my reasoning is based solely on Principle. I know me and I would be devastated and EMBARRASSED… and I would definitely find myself closing myself to him. And to make my neuroses even worst, my birthday follows closely behind Christmas (12 days)…. I’m just afraid that I’m more serious about this than he is and the LAST thing I will do is be a fool in love alone. I hate thinking in this way and I don’t want to doubt him, but I can’t help the way I feel. And usually my intuition has some truth to it’s madness. I’m trying not to cry as I write this…. I just won’t be able to take being disappointed by him when I’ve put myself out there with him than what my comfort zone would normally allow. So out of the kindness of my heart, I’m still going to think of him on Christmas and just hope I get the same treatment in return. If not, then I’ll definitely have some hard choices to make.
2 comments December 8, 2009
Tags: Doubt, Holidays, Hoping, Love, Sadness
Feeling Some Kinda Way……
My mind is on OVERDRIVE…. adding fuel to this damn fire that keeps burning hotter than a fast spreading brush fire on the hills of southern Cal. The want & desire for him is so strong I feel it from my finger tips to my toes. It pulsates through every vein in my body and I can feel his touch on every inch of my skin. Is this unabashing Lust? Hell no! This is full blown you’re MINES and I want to feel you deep in…… okay maybe I shouldn’t get too TV MA… *wink wink*…. LOVE MAKING is what I yearn. I want him to love me like I’ve never been loved before. Explore me the way no man has ever done. Feel every curve of my body. Let me just say that I have NEVER felt this strongly for a Man before. I don’t know what it is, how he does it or how he’s been able to tap into my cookie jar, but I LOVE it and I’m eager to explore it. So many questions I have that need to be answered. I want to feel every lick, thrust and rub until I can’t take it anymore. I’m curious as to how much I’ll mess up his bed sheets 
…. So to finish this off before I start something I can’t finish, I’ll recite a Poem:
A Passion (c)
By: Sasha T. Jones
While grabbing his body and grinding my teeth
He teases my body underneath these sheets
I whisper softly “give it to me now”
But he keeps a lickin fo’ another round
Now this being my first time
I can’t take the orgasms anymore
Got his thing throbbing against my thighs
And giving me lovin’ that I truly adore
As he gently enters my awaiting wall
I grab the sheets roughly
I can’t take this at all
He whispers softly “baby are you okay?”
A weak reply “just take my breath away”
Slow at first then faster and faster as he goes
Sucking in oxygen as he loses control
As he gains momentum my body becomes weak
I start to feel at ease
My eyes begin to leak
Gently kissing away my tears
I abandon all fears
He is blowing my mind as the pain fades away
Thinking “I can’t believe I gave it all away”
Cums, bringing an end to the start of something new
He gently wraps me in his arms and softly says “I love you”
High vanishes as he slowly fades away
I reach out for him
But sunlight pours in beckoning a new day
The man in my dreams I never knew who he was
I’ve yet to find the man that can love me like he does
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember….. get Tested and ALWAYS use protection Dolls. Muah!
Add a comment December 7, 2009
Tags: Adult Content, Love, Passion, Relationships, Sex
Out Of Control
I don’t know how last year reaching my goals felt so close & I had control over my life could quickly turn into feeling so lost & so out of control now… I’m trying not to lose hope & restore faith in myself because I know I’m better than this & as much as I’m struggling now means God has a plan for me & better days will come soon. I’m praying because I need the old Sasha back.
First point of all bright futures ask God for help and he will get you thru…then make a plan and work it
I have to be willing to re-inspire myself and get myself back out there in the World. I can no longer wallow in my pity. So unbecoming of a Lady.
So over myself…………..
Add a comment November 26, 2009
Tags: Depression, Life, Re-Evaluation, Taking Control
Empty…. seemingly
So, had a fight with my boyfriend yesterday. And at some point through it all, I deeply offended him to the point where he didn’t even want to talk to me for the rest of the day. It’s tearing me up because I, in retrospect, said so MUCH out of anger that I fucked up royally. I apologized last night, but he still hasn’t spoken a word to me. I guess all that I can do now is give him time… and hope that he can forgive me & we can move past this. I didn’t mean to upset him! I’m going through a lot internally at the moment & he’s been pre-occupied w/ other things that I just felt neglected & lonely… I really needed him but he wasn’t there. Maybe I was scared to include him in my problems. And then he tells me I don’t even understand what he’s been dealing w/ for the past few days, but he doesn’t communicate his problems w/ me so I never know what’s going on w/ him! And in turn, makes me look selfish when I’m asking for support! It’s not fair! But I don’t want to fight anymore…. I hate fighting. I just want to talk to him… see his face. Hug & Kiss him! SOMETHING! It would’ve made my day to wake up to a good morning text from him, but I didn’t. So now, my day is as gray as the clouds are in the sky outside of my window. My soul is falling with the rain and I’m trying my best to not cry. I just want my baby back…. I feel so empty right now.
Add a comment November 11, 2009
Tags: Boyfriends/Girlfriends, Love, Relationships
Dating an Older Man
I’m 21… and he’s 15 years my Senior… he’s once divorced with 2 children, sons (15yrs & 11yrs). We’ve been involved, in a way, for over 6 months now & recently decided on a relationship. It has been extremely hard to accommodate to something so new in my life. This is definitely a 1st for the both of us. What has been the hardest thing in this, for me, is that I have to swallow this pill of realizing I won’t come 1st. Mainly because he has kids and 2nd of all he has a career. And it takes a hell of a Woman to handle that. I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided he’s the one, because all this was here before me. So I struggle with the fact that besides all of that, I still want him here in my life. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t bother me because it does. And I can’t deny I’m struggling with this everyday, but I can’t get upset with something I was well aware of when I jumped into this head first. Sitting back, maybe it is very selfish of me to ask so much of him. And then I think, well what about me? When will he sacrifice an inch for me? Is that selfish? When is he really gonna let me in his life? Am I rushing this? Am I truly ready for this? There’s no way at this point I can imagine just saying I should move on when I feel really connected to him. Am I forcing something here out of loneliness? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m willing to fight for this man & truly discovering how to properly handle a healthy, mature relationship w/ a Man of his status. What makes it harder is that my peers can’t understand my situation because they’re so available to their significant others. And what I mean by that is they’re the same age, no children, never been married, etc. This is definitely going to be an immense learning experience for me… I’m definitely going to learn not only so much about Men & single parents in general… I’m going to learn so much about myself! So all I hope is that he can deal with me as I learn how to sought through various emotions while I’m trying to learn how to properly handle myself in this situation. I’m difficult to handle at times, but it’s because I’m fueled w/ so much passion when I decide to put my all into something/someone. I pray that I can have a good, lasting experience with this Man because I feel it in my heart that he’s gonna be good for me. I need him.
Add a comment November 11, 2009
Tags: Boyfriends/Girlfriends, Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Girls, Love, Relationships
HELP!!!
"Have You Seen Benji?"
I won’t say much in this 1st entry due to obvious circumstances, but I am deeply devastated that my Dog is now lost in the wind and I don’t even know where to begin to accept this. The only thing I can do at this point is pray to God for his safe return… but I feel I may never see his face again. And it’s gonna kill me because every time I look at my grandmother I will secretly hate her for causing this to happen. 2 hours of searching down the drain. I’ll have to post flyers around tomorrow. I know he’s probably scared out of his mind at this moment, but I hope he’s unharmed and finds his way home. That’s all for tonight………
Add a comment November 10, 2009
Tags: Animals, Dogs, Family, Lost Pets, Pets
