A Young Life In Full Bloom

This Deserves No Title

Sasha Jones — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:38:27 +0000

It’s a new year…. and I just celebrated my 22nd year on this earth this past week… and here I find myself in the most awkward, shocking, situation I have ever experienced throughout my short life so far. A Woman’s instinct is the most strongest inner source of power & I have been completely stubborn towards all it’s yelling at me out of sake for “Happiness” & “Love”…. Long story short, let’s put it this way. I’ve just discovered TODAY, that while I was in New York City, yesterday, bringing a close to my Bday celebrations … my “MAN” had a child being born that I knew NOTHING about. NOTHING. So, that means this entire 9 months that I have known this man, another Woman was carrying his child. And this is a child that was conceived before he & I knew each other. And, here’s the kicker… I didn’t find this information out from the Horses’ mouth… I had to get the biggest shock of my LIFE from his Sister’s Facebook page… and I’m not even personally friends w/ his sister on Facebook. To see pictures of such an innocent life that has the same mouth and nose as the Man I fell in love with. It sickens me to the point where I can’t even place an emotion on all of this. I feel nothing. I don’t even feel empty. I just… AM… I guess. What gets me is that he never had enough respect for me to even tell me what was going on. He allowed me to fall in love with him. He allowed me to blame myself when he grew distant. He allowed me to hold on to a false sense of hope with his promises & his words. He robbed me of my free will to decide how I felt about this situation and he robbed me of the decision to whether I wanted to get too involved w/ him or not because of this. He has disrespected me as a competent Adult and he has disrespected my heart. If he could hide this from me & lie to me about what was REALLY going on with him, then he could lie to me about anything. At this point, I have to leave this man alone. I’m young, beautiful, intelligent blessed with an AMAZING soul. I deserve the world. I deserve to walk away with my dignity intact. And that’s what I’m gonna have to do.

Goodnite

Posted in Breaking Up, Dishonesty/Disloyal, Love & Relationships Tagged: Being Lied To, Betrayal, Breaking Up, Dishonesty, Keeping Secrets, Relationships

What I’m Feeling

Sasha Jones — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 00:07:50 +0000

I know that when you look at me
There’s so much that you just don’t see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you’d find
A girl who’s scared sometimes
Who isn’t always strong
Can’t you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

I wanna run to you (oooh)
I wanna run to you (oooh)
Won’t you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There’s nobody there, no one cares for me
What’s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?

I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much…

Posted in Breaking Up, Love & Relationships Tagged: Breaking Up, Loneliness, Missing Someone, Relationships

Weak Moment

Sasha Jones — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 18:39:02 +0000

Bad news….. I was doing so well for the past couple days… soooo well! Then found myself in tears out of the blue while scrambling eggs for Dinner yesterday evening. Even got out of the house w/ the girls to blow off some steam & found myself still in shambles. Been 3 days and not one hello. I feel so lonely and I miss him so much. I hate this empty feeling. I want to talk to him so badly, but I have to stand strong on my plan. I promised myself I won’t allow myself to go there until the time is right. At least I have a date with a nice guy this evening… hopefully it won’t make me miss him more. It’s hard to be available with another person when your heart is somewhere else. I’m going to go out and enjoy myself nonetheless. I owe it to me. Gonna try to get through this day as best as I can.

Posted in Breaking Up, Love & Relationships Tagged: Breaking Up, Missing Someone, Relationships

Second Chances or Closure?

Sasha Jones — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:32:13 +0000

It’s a pretty good day today The sun’s out and I’m feeling slightly complacent. No contact from him yesterday, and it’s noon of Day 2, still nothing as of yet. Not gonna get my hopes up for anything.. just gonna let it ride until I decide it’s been long enough and it’s time for me to get the closure I need for me. I was actually pretty proud of myself, I didn’t cry one tear yesterday. Pretty decent enough I’d say. I still have him on my mind and I know I don’t want to let him go, but I also know I deserve better. One more chance…. one more chance is all I have left in me to give him. Had a dose of Male advice last night that really helped. Told me that he isn’t necessarily saying I should call it quits yet, but from what he’s seeing, there’s something definitely going on. And he thinks maybe it can be that he’s still in love with someone else that he isn’t with but may be still in contact with. And that he has feelings for me but they come & go with his feelings for whomever that person may be. Or he could be juggling me & another person at the same time. And this is something he think may be going on. I never thought of this exactly in that detail but it isn’t a far fetched idea. So in my “closure email” I will confront that without being confrontational and lay out everything. I’ll be blunt, direct & honest. Then in the end, offer him the opportunity to meet up & discuss where we go from here, but only on his reaching out to me. And if he chooses not to respond I said I will respect his wishes and be done with him. Still deciding on how far to extend my timeline. I would say 1 week is long enough. So I’ll wait until after Christmas. That’ll give it enough time. Longer than a week is ridiculous to me. So, that’s my plan and hopefully maybe something good will come out of it. Can’t go into the New Year with baggage.

Posted in Breaking Up, Love & Relationships Tagged: Breaking Up, Relationships, Second Chances

So It Ends…

Sasha Jones — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:42:58 +0000

I have to laugh… I just have to. It’ll help hold back petty tears. All that plagues me right now is thoughts. I can still hear your voice telling me how much you care, how badly you wanted me, all the promises & I’m sorry’s. I can still see your face how you used to look at me, and how you used to kiss me. Was this all a lie? I can’t honestly believe any of this by the way you represented yourself yesterday. Still boggles me that you weren’t able to give me a simple straight answer to ANY of my direct questions that were important to me. I don’t know how long it will take for me to forgive you, and I don’t know how long it will take to stop missing you, but as God is my witness I will try my BEST to forget you. Then…what if you prove to me how much of a “Man” you claim to be? What if you clean up your act? Then what? How am I going to react? So far, the Man I’ve come to see is petty, self-serving, and hasn’t learned how to soften or open his heart. And at this exact moment, I’m still trying to convince myself there’s still a glimmer of hope. Why am I so damn optimistic! This is how I get hurt. I allow people to let me down. I know all of this went down only yesterday, and it’s only the beginning of today…but I’m not sure exactly what the rest of the week or next week holds. All I can do is prepare for the worst & hope for the best. I just hope today goes smoothly & I don’t dwell on this too much. Not expecting any contact from him today, so we’ll see. Only time will tell… And I know I said I wouldn’t give up & I would fight for him, but I’d be damned to fight for someone who can’t tell me what I mean to them. Slap dead in my face. Why should I fight for that? Exactly, I won’t!

Posted in Breaking Up, Love & Relationships Tagged: Breaking Up, Relationships

What To Do

Sasha Jones — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:20:47 +0000

I can’t talk to him. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of questioning. I’m tired of trying to reach out and being met w/ defense. I’m not wrong in feeling like something just isn’t right. Why is it that it has been 7 1/2 months that we’ve known ea other & I’ve yet 2 even be invited over your place to hang out w/ you? To watch movies or something? Why is it that you won’t give me a straight answer when I ask you to tell me what I mean to you? Why is it that we haven’t spent an entire day together yet? And why is it that when I try & bring this to your attention I’m met with attitude? I don’t deserve this shit and I won’t continue to take it! I’m too good of a Woman to settle for your mediocrity. There are plenty of guys who would LOVE to have my time and here I am wasting my energy on YOU! To get what in return? WHAT? And to think you’re the one I want to make love to for the 1st time! The one I “love”! The one who I’ve given so much of myself to! I’m embarrassed to even call you my “Man”. I hate myself for allowing you to get this close to me. And you can’t simply just tell me what I mean to you? Obviously I mean nothing, and that’s exactly how I’m gonna take it! I’m done! If you can’t respect my heart then I can’t respect you!

Posted in Love & Relationships, Questions & Doubts Tagged: Breaking Up, Love Lost, Relationships, Second Guessing

Day 2

Sasha Jones — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:59:35 +0000

Hello world! I must say that it has been a pretty good day. Simply because I got an apology. FINALLY. And, on top of that, I am in the mood to go out tonight. Now, things aren’t magically copasetic again, I still have much I need to say to him, BUT I want to wait until he & I are face to face to elaborate more on the changes and compromise that are gonna have to be made to have a happy union. I’ve also decided to take another guy up on his offer for a movie date. No harm in that and it’ll help me potentially “keep my options open” just in case. I was so elated to see a text from him this morning and then to get a phone call later on. I don’t think he understands how much just little gestures like that mean to me. I can’t talk much because I have to start getting ready for my evening plans, but I’m happy to say that I still have HOPE for him and I won’t completely give up just yet. So, let’s tally up today’s results:

Did he call: Yes

Cried: 0 times

Spoke of him: maybe twice

Thought of him: all damn day

Overall feeling: happier within myself, calm, relaxed and Hopeful!

Grade: B+

So until tomorrow dolls, Muah!

Posted in Love & Relationships, Re-Evaluating Tagged: Love, Re-Evaluation

Day 1

Sasha Jones — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:55:09 +0000

So to calm my nerves and nurse this state of sadness that has consumed me, I am going to write daily to pick myself back up and overcome this like I did 2 years back w/ a summer fling. It really helped me back then and I know it should help me now. And the only person I can talk endlessly about this with is me, lol. So here it goes….. Day Uno:

Although the day isn’t technically over yet, I’ll still consider it unsuccessful. I didn’t hear from him today, and that’s fine. I’ll live. I have been crying on & off like a fool periodically throughout the day. Nothing too dramatic, just a moment of getting choked up, and then shaking it off. I’ve been talking with my close friends and of course the advice is all over the board. One says it’ll get better, be patient. One says I should cut my losses and move on. And 2 others say he needs to get his shit together. I agree with all 4 because they always have my best interest at heart..but I want to decide for myself in the end and I will give this time and continue to try and work things out with him. I’m feeling better right now at the moment. No tears, mind is free. Feeling a bit relaxed. I hope tomorrow can run a bit smoother than today did. So let’s tally up today’s results:

Did he call: No

Cried: 5 times

Spoke of him: 3 1/2 times

Thought of him: All damn day

Overall feeling: Up & Down mood… mostly sad

Grade: D+

Let’s just hope Day 2 is better

Posted in Love & Relationships, Re-Evaluating Tagged: Re-Evaluation

And It Kills Me……..

Sasha Jones — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:03:42 +0000

Ok, on this entry I simply just feel like talking. I think I’ve fallen prematurely in love. There, I said it. I’ve been constantly denying this because I simply wasn’t sure exactly what it was I was feeling. I mean, how can I be so sure of this in the first place. Then on the other hand, I wonder….no I HOPE he loves me too…but I can’t just ask him that. I won’t ask him. I don’t have the cojones. Just how the hell am I sooooo positive that he has claimed my heart. Why does he even DESERVE my heart. And I purposely leave out the question marks, I don’t mind pissing off my grammatically correct prowess to rhetorically talk to myself. I’m fucking lonely…I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hoping he’ll get some time for me. BUT isn’t the saying that if a Man truly is into you then he’d do just about anything to see his girl. Anything just to be with her. Why am I not living this fantasy. Why can’t I have THAT honor. And WHY am I still trying to be here if I’m not happy!! Why does he plague my mind and everything around me. Why am I always trying to find ways to spend time with him…why am I always disappointed. And he tells me, he likes me more than I could know. More than he’s been able to show me. And he’s just as disappointed as I am about the lack of time we spend together. He hates cancelling on me, THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT! He hates disappointing me, THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT! He loves the feeling he has when we’re together, THEN WHY I AM LONELY! I mean, how could he say to me that he would understand if I didn’t want to deal with him right now….hopefully I’m available when the business is settled…and if I’m not he’d totally understand. How could he say this? How could he ever even suggest I just give up on him. I can’t possibly take losing him. He obviously knows he really has hurt me this time…and maybe it’s causing him to give me an escape route. But I don’t want to run away, instead I want to run towards him. I am not taking any of this well at all….. I wanted him to call me tonight…. I told him to call me tonight so that we could finish talking about this…. I stared at my phone for the equivalent of 5 hrs…. and nothing. I told him at this point I honestly couldn’t leave him alone. I just can’t……. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know anymore. Helplessly in love and helplessly alone.

Posted in Love & Relationships Tagged: Loneliness, Love

It’s GAY Marriage…so WHAT?

Sasha Jones — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:18:07 +0000

In honor of DC’s historic vote to approve Gay Marriage here today, I’d like to take a quick moment on the pulpit… I used to be really up in arms about Gay Marriage… but I have actually opened my mind to look at it from a different angle. And what I’ve realized is, this isn’t about Religion, God & Politics. As much as Heterosexuals abuse the sanctity of this union, who the hell are we to deny Human Beings the right to love and consummate that love just the same as any of us can? I don’t know about you, but I’d be pissed if the Government told me I wasn’t allowed to marry because of the color of my skin. We’re past those days, so what’s the big deal? I’m not an avid supporter of the measure but to me this is about Human’s Rights and that’s why I’m choosing to speak on it. I support the Gay Community and definitely believe they deserve EVERY right that we as Heterosexuals are afforded. Point blank, Period. ‘Tis All

Posted in Politics, Social Issues Tagged: Gay Community, Gay Rights, Human Rights, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Politics, Social Awareness